Open Letters to Inanimate Objects

I’m okay!  Thank you for your concern, I felt as if this blog wasn’t taking off as much and remained on my first blog verrueckt.tumblr.com

feel free to add!

It is criminal how fucking good you are. When I have diet/nutritional bars, I’m expecting them to be tolerable. Not so good that I could eat a whole box in one sitting. Do you know what happens when I have one box of you in one sitting? Well I’ll spare you the details, but the outcome is not pretty. I don’t know where you hide your fiber, or you gross cardboard flavor, but goddamnit you taste like a regular granola bar.   A regular diarrhea inducing tasty granola bar.

Not So Constipated,

Me

your name is my name too!

sincerely,

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt

Submitted by thebucknuckle

You are surprisingly good for me being able to buy you at CVS.  I’m a big fan of expensive things with fancy names that I have to get at stores where I get dirty looks for wearing jeans and a hoodie in, but you… you are grade A.  Purely first class make up.  I’m really impressed with your ability to be a decent foundation.  Keep being awesome, and I’ll keep buying.

Floored by your cool,

Me

You beautiful roll of dough, cinnamon, sugar, brown sugar, butter, and icing.  You are more beautiful than I could ever even begin to express.  The way you smell makes my mouth water a metric fuck ton of drool just waiting for a taste of you on my lips.  My only issue with you is that I take one bite and suddenly I black out and then you are gone, and I don’t know what happened.  You’re beautiful to me, even if you got some rolls going on.

Lovingly Yours,

Me

I think it’s just called Typewriter. 

You weirdly abstract idea of love, lust and obsession, you have suddenly taken over my brain and are making me happy.  Stop it.  I know you won’t last, but this whole having my heart constantly in my throat and my eyes shining with that new crush look is making me sick to my stomach.  I see fireworks… FIREWORKS.  Actually a more appropriate metaphor would be a grenade filled with sparkly confetti.  Violent image, I know, but that’s what you are. This is so most definitely conflicting with my whole being bad ass.  Your way of creeping into every nook and cranny of my emotional well being these last two weeks is beginning to get out of control.  But I guess you’re better than being lonely.

Comically Conflicted,

Me

PS. But he is seriously such a sweetheart. <3

WHY IS THERE EVEN A FUCKING PART TWO?! We’ve had this goddamn discussion before, you’re getting out of hand.  Do you know what I saw today?  Three girls all wearing leggings and… dare I say it? CROP TOPS! Let me say it one more time.  Leggings with crop tops.  That. Is. Not. Okay.  Not even once.  What the hell leggings, I gave you a chance to shape up and you just didn’t.  Last summer it was over sized tanks and that was just way too cute, now it’s crop tops.  Fuckin A man, Fuckin A.

Furious,

Me

I know you’re a person who writes it, but I’m writing to the blog, so I guess that counts? Vaguely?  I’d really appreciate it if you’d be updated every hour or so.  The amount of sheer joy that pulses through me when I realize that there is INDEED yet another post by the amazing Allie Brosh upon your page is overwhelmingly delicious.  You keep me entertained in obscene amounts of ways, and I think it’s becoming a problem, because I do check your page multiple times a day… JUST IN CASE.  So come on Hyperboleandahalf, get with it and start entertaining me more.  I love your words.  They tickle the funny section of my brain.

Impatiently,

Me

You have stolen my heart.  Your history, culture, arts, and language have taken over my life in a very non-fascist way.  Many people ask why I study you, why I love you so much and the answer simply is… you fascinate me.  To those people who ask me that question, I ask right back “Why do you like standing on a board and going down a mountain?”  ”Why do you like taking numbers and making them into different numbers?”  To my dear followers, follow your interests, even if it really is underwater basket weaving.  If there is a passion for it, as I love my dear sweet Deutschland then you will find a way to make ends meet.  Germany, you’re a beautiful country full of fantastic adventures, I can’t wait to move into you.

Forever Yours,

Me

PS. Your beer and schnitzel sealed the deal!