May 2011
1 post
ihopeiwishiregret asked: Hey, I know that you not posting on Tumblr for a month doesn't necessary mean something has happened to you bad in life but are you okay?
April 2011
9 posts
4 tags
Dear Fiber One Bars,
It is criminal how fucking good you are. When I have diet/nutritional bars, I’m expecting them to be tolerable. Not so good that I could eat a whole box in one sitting. Do you know what happens when I have one box of you in one sitting? Well I’ll spare you the details, but the outcome is not pretty. I don’t know where you hide your fiber, or you gross cardboard flavor, but...
Dear John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,
your name is my name too!
sincerely,
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
Submitted by thebucknuckle
5 tags
Dear Maybelline Liquid Mousse Foundation,
You are surprisingly good for me being able to buy you at CVS. I’m a big fan of expensive things with fancy names that I have to get at stores where I get dirty looks for wearing jeans and a hoodie in, but you… you are grade A. Purely first class make up. I’m really impressed with your ability to be a decent foundation. Keep being awesome, and I’ll keep buying.
Floored...
5 tags
Dear Cinnamon Rolls,
You beautiful roll of dough, cinnamon, sugar, brown sugar, butter, and icing. You are more beautiful than I could ever even begin to express. The way you smell makes my mouth water a metric fuck ton of drool just waiting for a taste of you on my lips. My only issue with you is that I take one bite and suddenly I black out and then you are gone, and I don’t know what happened....
Anonymous asked: Where did you get this theme?!?!?!?! I LOVE IT
5 tags
Dear Infatuation,
You weirdly abstract idea of love, lust and obsession, you have suddenly taken over my brain and are making me happy. Stop it. I know you won’t last, but this whole having my heart constantly in my throat and my eyes shining with that new crush look is making me sick to my stomach. I see fireworks… FIREWORKS. Actually a more appropriate metaphor would be a grenade filled with...
7 tags
Dear Leggings [part two],
WHY IS THERE EVEN A FUCKING PART TWO?! We’ve had this goddamn discussion before, you’re getting out of hand. Do you know what I saw today? Three girls all wearing leggings and… dare I say it? CROP TOPS! Let me say it one more time. Leggings with crop tops. That. Is. Not. Okay. Not even once. What the hell leggings, I gave you a chance to shape up and you just didn’t....
6 tags
Dear Hyperboleandahalf,
I know you’re a person who writes it, but I’m writing to the blog, so I guess that counts? Vaguely? I’d really appreciate it if you’d be updated every hour or so. The amount of sheer joy that pulses through me when I realize that there is INDEED yet another post by the amazing Allie Brosh upon your page is overwhelmingly delicious. You keep me entertained in obscene...
5 tags
Dear Germany,
You have stolen my heart. Your history, culture, arts, and language have taken over my life in a very non-fascist way. Many people ask why I study you, why I love you so much and the answer simply is… you fascinate me. To those people who ask me that question, I ask right back “Why do you like standing on a board and going down a mountain?” ”Why do you like taking...
March 2011
20 posts
6 tags
Dear The Beach,
I am not entirely sorry that we’re not close buds. You kinda suck. Your sand parts get all up in my parts and then the water is cold and only aids in getting more sand EVERYWHERE. Then there’s a shit load of people always, which super sucks, and it’s hot, i’m constantly reapplying sunscreen when I’m at you. Seriously The Beach you kinda just blow on all counts....
8 tags
Dear Frat Houses,
My god, you disgust me. I’ve never been inside one of you (giggity) until yesterday, and I was astounded at the amount of filth that can accumulate from masses of men and sorority sluts tramping through your bowels. You need to quite literally clean up your act, gum stuck under everything, beer cans stuck under stoves, tin foil in the microwave, do you have a death wish? I hereby...
5 tags
Dear Dyson Vacuum,
As much as I absolutely put off vacuuming as much as possible, I love the way you move. Your ability to curve around corners with ease and grace takes my breath away. You make me want to pop a vallium and put on some pumps and a dress then time travel back to the 50s and gloat to all my other vallium addled neighbors about how awesome my vacuum is compared to their outdated pieces of shit. The...
5 tags
Dear Max Irons,
First of all, I’m entirely aware that you are indeed a person. A real life person who does not match my inanimate object theme I have going on here, however the chances of me ever meeting you, touching your or anything of the sort is slim to none, so I’m considering you an inanimate object for the purposes of my blog. First I would like to let you know that you are beautiful. You...
4 tags
Dear Hydrocodone,
I miss you. I miss the way you would put a sweet warmth of numbing over my head and down to my toes. How I felt indestructible. There’s nothing I’ve ever loved doing more in the world than taking you.
Painfully Yours,
Me
6 tags
Dear Hamburgers,
Why must you be so damn tasty. I’m trying so hard, SO HARD to lose about 15 pounds (12 now, I thank you) and for some reason, I sit here thinking only of you. I could be doing something productive with my time, like thinking of celery, but no. No. You’re a JERK, Burger. Not to mention I do sometimes get you from my local fast food establishment, and people don’t understand...
Dear stolen car.
I miss you, i dont understand why you had to be taken away when you were needed the most. I hope that you are being treated well where you are now. I hope that whoever or whatever took you actually needed you more. I wonder if you are still running or being tuned up like i did every month for you. I miss how easy you were to drive and your cheap ability to make gas last forever. You saved me...
7 tags
Dear Bars,
I am not the biggest fan of you. Your drinks are over priced. There’s always too many people in you. I don’t like people, I can’t even write letters to real people that’s how much I don’t like people. They stress me out. Therefore, bars stress me out. Too many people, too much money, I’m too poor and too crazy to go to bars. Not to mention I have to get...
Dear Yellow Chevelle with Go-Faster Stripes of...
Every time I see you I always run the risk of hitting pedestrians and other vehicles. Not only are you eye candy but most definitely ear candy as well, with a nice yummy Chevy small block in you. You always seem to make my dick hard when I hear your engine and see your bright color…Im never sure how you do it though.
Anywho, I am always happy to see you driving around my little city. I once...
4 tags
Dear Animate Followers,
I don’t know if ya’ll knew this, but there is a button on my page for you to publish your own letters to inanimate objects! Isn’t it crazy? I think so. Not to mention, You’re able to request things for me to write letters to if you’re to lazy to write it yourself. “HOLY MOLY THAT’S JUST IMPRESSIVE!” You might be saying, and you’d be...
6 tags
Dear GaiaOnline,
Specifically the General Discussion Forum. I’m sorry I ever started going on you. I partially wish I could count all of the mindless hours I spent on you. Scrolling down through the GD, clicking on threads, dropping my own pics, searching for some kind of pseudo recognition. Suddenly you just weren’t worth it anymore. Once I started dreaming about actually being on the site, and...
13 tags
Dear Stomach,
I’m so incredibly sorry that I ate all those grandma made bran muffins. In my defense, I couldn’t help myself. I know we came to an agreement of almost pro-ana standings about my eating habits and getting rid of the near nonexistent pudge i’m beginning to develop, but they are bran muffins. It’s like the baker’s excuse for a colonic. You and I will be pretty...
7 tags
Dear Blunts,
I don’t know quite how to express how I feel about you. Without fail you just destroy me. I could smoke from a bong, a pipe a vape and have no problems at all, I’d be fucked up but no where near as fucked up as you make me dear Blunt. You put my head in it’s place. Last night after I was done smoking you, it was like everything bad had just been annihilated by your sweet...
6 tags
Dear Pho,
Damn you are so much pho-cking pho-n to eat! I love you almost as much as I love pho-dge, that is how damn good you are. Not to mention the amount of puns i can use with your name, did you see those three I already typed? It’s like I’ve taken a Brilliance 101 class or something like that. My only issue is that sometimes when i put too much spicy rooster sauce in you and lots of...
6 tags
Dear Internet,
You have ruined my life.
Bluntly,
Me
5 tags
Dear Spring Break,
Are you here yet? I don’t even want you to be here as an excuse to party it UP and do delinquent things. I just want to sleep, legitimately sleep and not worry about anything. It’s about fucking time you kick it up a notch and show up. I’ve been working my ass off this semester so far, and it’s tiring.
Pissed Off-ed-ly,
Me
yugaonikki asked: y u so amazin?
6 tags
Dear Alcohol,
I’m breaking up with you. Our trial period of being together has been good, but rocky and these last two weekends of me being 21 has just made me realize that you and I do NOT belong together. Every time we hang out you convince me to yell at people in foreign languages, dance like an idiot, or my personal favorite, throw up in my bathroom and hit everywhere but the toilet. Seriously man,...
6 tags
Dear Message Inbox,
Sometimes I’m worried that you’re losing the messages that all 29 of my biggest fans undoubtedly send me everyday on a regular basis telling me how awesome I am. I mean that’s the only reason why you could be empty… right?
Worriedly,
Me
Dear Rocking Chairs,
Why do you make me so sleepy and comfortable? I wish I had a huge over sized soft one of you, like the fabric that new Beanie Babies feel like. That would be so awesome, I would never use any other kind of furniture, I would live in you. I have nothing else to really say on the subject other than…Keep on rockin’. BADUMCHHHH.
Exhaustedly Yours,
Me
February 2011
10 posts
5 tags
Dear Strawberries,
My love for you borderlines on the toxic. I can’t stop eating you. If you ended up being illegal, I would be the biggest junkie around. Your tastiness exceeds anything I’ve ever had before in my life. Even spaghetti. Even Beer. And when you’re dipped in chocolate… Holy fuck, it’s like somebody just dipped an orgasm in another orgasm then made me orgasm again....
5 tags
Dear Vibrators,
Why must you be so damn awkward. Not only did the people who market them think to make the weirdest most disturbing commercials ever, usually involving a vibrator going off in a ladies purse, but you decided to name them after animals. Oh yeah, putting a dolphin on my downstairs sounds real pleasurable. Also what the hell to the people who hear the vibrator in the purse in the commercials, you...
Dear Cellphone,
You’re a fucking trooper. I thought I lost you once when I dropped you in the toilet, but I bravely fished you out and put you in rice over night and you worked. Then recently again I dropped you in the sink because I didn’t want to answer the phone on the toilet and drop it in the toilet again so I waited until I was done going potty and then decided that calling the person back...
6 tags
Dear Leggings,
I put up with you when people started wearing you under dresses. I even embraced the fashion. I was even pleasantly surprised to find out that wearing you under over sized shirts/sweaters was just as adorable. I have to draw the line though. People are starting to think it is acceptable to pair you with regular tshirts, or to make you in a demin pattern, or even worse… make you into...
4 tags
Dear Neosporin,
You are the one thing that was straight up legit magic in my childhood. If I had a scrape, I added you and a bandaid then BAM two days later, that shit was gone. Now as I’m older, I still use you religiously for any small blemish, like the dad on My Big Fat Greek Wedding uses windex. You still work your magic like a champ. I have no idea what I would do with out you. If I ever have...
paranoiaking asked: I'd like to see a dirty letter written to a car.
"I want to be inside you. I want to ride you like the bitch you are." Haha.
"I want to be inside you. I want to ride you like the bitch you are." Haha.
6 tags
Dear My Totalled 05 Mustang,
I miss you so much. We had been through a lot together; those ten accidents, the three tickets, that one time we found out that having sex in your back seat was too uncomfortable. I have dreams about you. About smoking a bowl in you before class, caressing the sweet curves of your steering wheel. I can’t bring myself to love another. Unless of course it were a 69 Chevy Chevelle SS with...
Dear Lightbulbs,
You always run out at inconvenient times. However, I’m not really sure when there would be a convenient time for a lightbulb to run out. Besides the point. If somebody were to ever invent a lightbulb that REPLACES ITSELF, I will invest all ten dollars in my checking account into said company. Also, your isle is my favorite in home depot. It makes me feel alive suppressing the urge to...
5 tags
Dear Fanny Packs,
I’m sorry that our love affair has to be kept in secret. You’re so convenient but have a negative stigma for being attached to weird asian tourists at Disneyland, and so alas I cannot wear you out in public. One day though, I will attach you around my novelty beer hoody with pride, perhaps I will even bedazzle you, and put my things in you to hold for safe keeping. You’re...
4 tags
Dear Cheese,
I hate you. I hate you SO MUCH. Everything about you is fucking nasty. Dairy is gross by itself, but, Cheese, you just take the cake. One day, some poor fuck went to go get food from the pantry and realized all they had left was some rotten milk. They figured putting some salt on that shit and eating it would sustain them. All you are is a bunch of rotten milk, which is also pretty gross to...