I’m sorry that our love affair has to be kept in secret. You’re so convenient but have a negative stigma for being attached to weird asian tourists at Disneyland, and so alas I cannot wear you out in public. One day though, I will attach you around my novelty beer hoody with pride, perhaps I will even bedazzle you, and put my things in you to hold for safe keeping. You’re magnificent, but embarrassing, so until I build up the courage, I cannot spend the money on you. You stay functional Fanny Pack.
Regretfully Yours,
Me
